|
The Anti-Boston Sports Crab Warning: this entry will likely sound like the rants of a jealous and bitter sports fan whose teams (Orioles, Redskins,
Wizards and Caps) haven't been relevant since well before the turn of the century. In the interest of full-disclosure,
there may be some truth to that accusation, but it is my purpose here to write from the perspective of any true sports fan
who finds himself living in enemy territory. Specifically, this missive is directed at fans either living in or originally
from the Boston area. It happens to be the perfect Petri dish for the phenomenon due to the fact that recent sports history
has magnified this effect ten fold. I'm referring here to all walks of fans: the die-hards, casual bandwagoneers and the
pink hats/helmets/head bands that are now running amok in New England. I will say that the influx of the "Pinks"
makes for a much more enjoyable experience watching Boston sporting events either live or at designated neighborhood locations.
No longer subjected to a bunch of drunk and obnoxious guys celebrating another Boston team win, I'm now faced with the
much preferable alternatives of either checking out the girls dancing on the bar in various stages of undress or, if in a
non-bar setting, munching on the high quality baked goods a sporting event inspires the neighborhood cougars to bring.
A football game might as well be Friday night Bunko as far as the Pinks are concerned - just another reason to jettison the
kids and get tipsy. It really is tough for me to fathom
how events have conspired to make the Patriots and Red Sox actual national bandwagon teams over the last seven years. Of course,
the locals up in Boston seem to think that their teams are better liked nationally than they actually are - the surest sign
of sports arrogance. I will even go as far as admitting that, during the Pat's first Super Bowl win and the Red Sox's
first World Series Championship; I was rooting for my adopted home teams to win (at least a little bit). It was probably more
out of sympathy than anything else, but nevertheless it was a cool thing to see in both cases. Growing up in suburban
Maryland, true bandwagon teams were few and far between. The Cowboys, the Lakers and the Yankees were about the extent of
it with some interlopers such as the 70's Dolphins, 80's ‘Niners, 70's Reds and 90's Bulls sprinkled
in at times. That being said, the reality in New England right now is this: the Sox and Pats are definitely in "Group
B" above - "just passing-through" band wagon teams - one of the interlopers. It didn't seem like that long ago when you couldn't pay someone to take Pats or Red Sox tickets off your
hands. Listening to talk radio and reading the local newspapers now, you would think that every game for both teams has been
a sellout since the 1960s. I can't tell you how many times when I was in college at BC way back in the '80s
and living in the Boston area through the early '90s that a group of us would show up at Fenway for lack of anything else
to do at the last possible minute and score first or third base box seats. Now, aside from Fenway Park having effectively
morphed into a NASCAR track with every square inch of the place plastered with some advertiser's logo, you have to give
up dinner out for six months to afford a game. (By the way, you may have heard that it's cheaper for a family of
four to travel to a Red Sox game in Baltimore then to attend a game at Fenway - it's a fact!) Also,
in the early 90's I went to see the Pats play the (then) perennially
powerhouse Redskins at Sullivan Stadium and there were maybe 20,000 fans in the stadium. The only real reason you went
to a Pats game back then was the chance to catch the inevitable fights that broke out between drunken fans. 
So now here we are in 2008 and the Boston fans have officially become
unbearable. They complain when they lose a game, crow obnoxiously when they win one and pompously belittle non-Boston
fans who they perceive as not supporting their local teams. Boston fans have become very insular - kind of like Michael Corleone
in Godfather II. For example, they have no idea why fans outside New England hate the Patriots. It's not because
they win - it's because they cheated! Hello! The rationalization of the fans and most of the local media is
that "every team does it". Uh, okay - that's why Goodell levied the biggest fine in NFL history on his
marquee team? Do you think he would have wanted that kind of publicity for the NFL if he could have avoided it?
The ultimate sign to me that Boston sports fans are the equivalent of the Roman
Empire in 475 AD? Aside from NASCAR Park, there is now an actual Patriots Place complex (which I call Kraftwerks)
where you can buy an overpriced motorboat at Bass Pro Shop, ogle the lingerie in the window at Victoria's Secret, spend
$200 on dinner for two at Davio's and then walk on over to the absurdly overpriced CBS Scene restaurant to see a parade
of cougars modeling Victoria Secret negligee live. All of this within a 5 minute walk. For you non-Boston area folks;
putting an upscale mall with fancy restaurants and clubs in Foxboro is akin to having Jessica Alba participate in a local
beauty pageant at your neighborhood mall. It's just weird and pointless. Now I love Foxboro, it's a great
place to raise your kids and a convenient place for many New Englanders to watch a football game. But Newbury Street,
Bourbon Street or Rodeo Drive it ain't. I'm sure Bob Kraft has had many sleepless nights since Tom Brady went down
in a heap last month. If they return to their pre 2001 ways - which is a distinct possibility in the post Brady era - no one
is going to want to pay $100+ for a ticket to a game plus $50 for parking and then drop another few hundred bucks in Kraftwerks.
The reason for all of this verbal meandering was triggered by events of
the past week leading up to the Rays-Red Sox ALCS. The Rays - by the way one of the most remarkable turnaround stories
in sports history - are being ridiculed up here for their apathetic fans, bad stadium, annoying cowbells and bad haircuts
among many things. Funny, before the current ownership group took over in Boston in 2003, the Red Sox had apathetic
fans (especially considering that they were usually competitive, unlike the pre 2008 Rays) and Fenway, the self-proclaimed
"America's Most Beloved Ballpark" (note: the arrogance in that statement is mind boggling) is still the crappiest
place I've ever watched a game. Parking is a nightmare both logistically and financially, the seats are designed for pygmies
and walking through the concourse creates the sensation of exploring the ancient catacombs. The Green Monstah, though admittedly
unique, is a gimmick that finished running its course sometime during the Teddy Ballgame era.
I can't help but laugh when the locals gush about how charming Fenway
is and how it should never be replaced. Go visit Camden Yards, AT&T Park or Jacobs Field to name just three superior
ballparks and see what you're missing. For my money, the hypocrisy inherent in Red Sox fans and their garbage stadium
can easily be summed up in three words: "Idiots"
and "Sweet Caroline". The Red Sox revival that started in 2003 was largely driven by a group
of dirt dogs and long haired idiots that gave a faceless team some identity and a unified purpose. So the Rays get mohawks
as a sign of team unity and all of a sudden "Red Sox Nation" (excuse me while I throw up in my mouth) scoff collectively
as if Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez and Kevin Millar never existed. Now, regarding the Tropicana cowbells: I'm not a big
fan of "false" noise or gimmicks at stadiums/arenas in general, i.e., the wave, scoreboard directives to cheer,
rally monkeys, etc. However, while the Boston fans rip into Rays fans for the cowbells, the Red Sox have probably the
most annoying "tradition" of any team in sports today. They gather like the Whos in Whoville, the tall and
the small, and during the 8th inning of every home game to sing "Sweet Caroline" at the top of their lungs. I've
listened to the insipid lyrics and still can't figure out the connection to Boston, baseball or the Red Sox. A few
years ago, it came out that Neil Diamond wrote the song about a pre-pubescent Caroline Kennedy. Now hearing that song
is not only annoying but downright icky. Go ahead and listen to the song and you'll see what I mean. Now,
maybe if they sang another Diamond song such as "Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon", complete with Uma Thurman gyrating
on the scoreboard, perhaps that would be tolerable. They could even top it off with her snorting a bag of heroin and
then passing out as the fans roar their approval.
|
