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If you would not be forgotten, As soon as you are dead and rotten, Either
write things worth reading, Or do things worth the writing
- Benjamin Franklin
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Week Ending June 1
“I'm
a Muslim, but I think Jesus would have a drink with me. He would be cool. He would talk to me.” - Mike Tyson
Okay Mr. Angelos, it's been a month, the Orioles are still decidedly in the race,
so, in the immortal words of Judge Elihu Smails... "Well... We're waiting..."
NEW!
Everything IS a Joke - The Proof (except for Mars which looks pretty cool)
NEW!
SandJ would like to introduce a new feature to the site and sincerely hope that you will enjoy it as thoroughly as we know
we will. With that said:
From the SandJ Archives:
This week featuring Roger
Clemens, Brian McNamee, and Andy Pettitte:
October 21, 2000: The difference, Pettitte is sure, is rooted in the training that he and Roger Clemens did together in the off-season in
Texas, where the pitchers live about 30 minutes apart; they have continued that training throughout this season.
March 4, 2001: McNamee's life seems to revolve around the conditioning of Roger Clemens. ''Roger Clemens's commitment
to personal conditioning is unmatched by anyone I've ever known in this business.''
April 24, 2001: Spring training can serve as a laboratory, so when Mike Stanton noticed Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte working out in the
back fields of the Yankees' complex in Tampa, Fla., a year ago, he wandered over. ''What are you doing?''
Stanton said to Brian McNamee, then the team's new assistant strength and conditioning coach.
October 7, 2001: ''The thing that's strange is you figured it would stand for a long time after McGwire broke it and got 70,''
the Yankees' Paul O'Neill said.
LINKS:
Some things pertain to sports
and others to jokes, but every so often you find a nugget that that equally covers the S and the J. Here, ex-Rolling Stones bassist, Bill Wyman, hits the target in terms of sport and unintentionally hits the bull eye for jokes
Due to the dedication and spirit
of true competition embodied by this link, we're including it here because of the "sports" component, but, make no mistake, it is certainly no joke
Just in case you thought the Sex in
the City moron's ticket scam mentioned in yesterday's "Everything is a Joke" column was an isolated
incident - Another day, another two idiots
In case you missed this weekend's NCAA Lacrosse Championship game and were looking for an
in-game blog to fill you in on the action: This isn't it (missing phone charger? wtf?)
"The cops asked if I'd seen his pants, but I hadn't."
From McSweeney's: "How Me Breaking Up with You is Like Jon Lester Pitching a No-Hitter Against the Royals"
May 23
“But, a dog's got personality.
Personality goes a long way.” - Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction – on the difference
between dogs and pigs)
LINKS:
Start off the Friday before a holiday weekend
by laughing until you cry - our gift to you
From SportsPickle.com - the IOC may have opened a can of worms here
Ladies and gentlemen - "Earl Weaver's Manager's Corner", or, as I like to call it - Best...Show...Ever (NSFW language... and then some)
May 21
“I always want to say to people who want to be rich and famous: 'try
being rich first'. See if that doesn't cover most of it.” - Bill Murray
LINKS:
For those of you that may have read Part III of SandJ's "Bloggers versus Mainstream Media" trilogy - it looks like Bill Simmons will be posting some of his pre-ESPN stuff on blogspot.
Skip to the last sentence of this R. Kelly article if you want to see the last thing you would expect to read in a piece covering a child pornography case
May 19
“You can't
be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” - Frank Zappa
I grew up in the
same town in which the legendary Triple Crown-winning thoroughbred Gallant Fox had been stabled. This horse raced in the early
1930s, yet there was a street named after him and his former stable had a glassed-in stall in his honor and a sign out front
proclaiming it to be the home of Gallant Fox. Is there any chance that someone will be nailing up a sign reading "Home of Big Brown" in three weeks? Don't
get me wrong, I'm excited for the likely prospect of a new Triple Crown winner, but it's mostly based on the premise
that we will now have a new euphemism for moving one's bowels, replacing the brilliant but overused "taking the Browns
to the Superbowl". I'm just throwing it out there, but here is my preferred usage (dialogue used to emphasize
context):
Person A: Where are you going?
Person B (tucking a newspaper under his arm and hustling toward the
loo): Just putting Big Brown out to stud, I'll be back in a while.
If you have anything better, please
contact the site. We've still got a few weeks to decide.
LINKS:
Courtesy of Deadspin - Bill Simmons is on the outs with ESPN - forgive me for not noticing, but I don't check his site for new content during the NBA playoffs, because, you know,
I'm pretty sure it will be about the NBA playoffs
Remember that crazy rainbow-afro wearing
"John 3:16" guy from every televised sporting event during the 70s and 80s? Yeah, he was hilarious. Less hilarious?
The fact that he's currently serving three life sentences for hostage taking in an attempt to get get his religious views
heard.
May 17-18
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink,
then the drink takes you.” - F.
Scott Fitzgerald LINKS:
For anyone who may have thought that our Preakness
piece might have been even slightly exaggerated, we present visual proof (if you're short on time, photos 5-9 really sum it up pretty concisely)
New York Magazine maintains an "Electopedia", which documents the candidates' (and Hillary's) tastes in everything from books to music to drinking, but we
all know that drinking habits usually tell you all you need to know about a person. Some people have trouble trusting
people that don't eat meat, I don't trust anyone who has never been shitfaced. Judging by the end of the "alcohol"
piece, I'd give McCain the edge there. Jack Handey has his own flag, and he has successfully managed to avoid the pitfall which ensnares most flag designers - a lack of symbolism
Be
honest, you always suspected something like this was going on in the Yankees' clubhouse - Jason Giambi and his magic golden thong
May 16, 2008
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case
of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." - W.C. Fields
LINKS:
For those not attending The Preakness this weekend and who may be thinking about catching a flick - after watching this Errol Morris short, your mind will be made up
Because I promised not to post any more Bill Buckley posts this week,
I'm posting clips by a man so obviously influenced by Firing Line that he had is own similarly formatted
program, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper: Submitted for your approval - the famous Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka interview, as well as living proof of Buckley's assertion that 99 out of 100 people are interesting and the remaining
one is inherently interesting simply for being so uninteresting
May 4, 2008 Jerry Seinfeld has remarked
that the referee in pro wrestling is a lot like Larry of the Three Stooges - you don't really need him there, but somehow
the whole thing wouldn't be the same without him. A lot of Americans no doubt feel something similar about our vice
presidents. Those officials are the ultimate "second bananas" in U.S. public life, politicized Rodney Dangerfields
who too often get no respect and even less recognition. Sure, the vice president is the only other nationally elected official
in the country and those officeholders are just a heartbeat or resignation letter away from the top job in the land (something,
unfortunately, that has been confirmed throughout our history), but c'mon, there is a reason why we don't celebrate
Vice Presidents Day or mothers never tell their kids that they too can grow up to be vice president. Our Senior
Political Correspondent's take on Bizarre Vice Presidential Facts: |
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2008
Election? Joke.
We may believe that we are living through a barnburner of an election year, but it is SandJ’s sad duty,
nay, proud civic responsibility to inform you, the unsuspecting public, that, believe it or not, much of the drama has been
media generated. I mean, what do we really have so far? One candidate refers to people desperately clinging to religion and
guns as “bitter”? Is that now considered an insult? Think of how much further he could have gone in light of the
fact that it is a well established fact that religion is the “last refuge of a scoundrel” and that guns are the
“last refuge of murderers.” Also, Hillary’s blatant lie about the severity of her landing conditions in
Bosnia was pretty bad, but were I in the same situation (and was it not televised), my version would be much, much more harrowing.
Finally, what is the big deal with Obama balking at a twenty-first debate? I mean, I’m pretty sure I could
be locked in the beer cooler at Circle-K with Bin Laden and run out of things to argue about at that point.
To prove the point, SandJ’s Senior Political
Correspondent has compiled a list of several examples from past campaigns that would make this election cycle infinitely more
interesting:
Sports and Jokes Bizarre Election Year Facts
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