M E M O R A N D U M

TO:  WILLIE RANDOLPH

FROM:  OMAR MINAYA

CC:  FRED WILPON; JERRY MANUEL

RE:  THE NEW YORK METS AND YOU - ALWAYS AND FOREVER

DATE: JUNE 10 2008

It has come to my attention that when I said "Willie is the Manager of the Mets" a few weeks ago, that you, Willie, felt slighted because I didn't say something like "Willie is, and will be, the Manager of the Mets, always and forever."  Sorry about that Willie, my bad; which reminds of what my proctologist likes to say when I show up for an appointment: "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?" Get it!?!

Anyway Willie, on behalf of the entire Mets organization, I'd like to say that you are, and will be, the Manager of the Mets, always and forever.......we met in the locker room, where our love could fully bloom.  Sure the designated hitter is great, but you, you make me salivate.  Yes, I love baseball, but not as much as you, you see.  But I still love baseball, always and forever.  Our love is like a perfectly executed hit and run, with Beltran swinging away when the count is 3 and 1... always and forever.  Sorry for the digression Willie, but I just can't get enough of that Napoleon Dynamite movie - have you seen it?  I've seen it 23 times – it’s awesome!
 

By the by, you wouldn't mind if the players started calling you Guillermo instead of Willie, would you?  Some of the Latin players on the team (well, all 23 of them actually) feel that they would be more comfortable and play better if they could call you Guillermo.  I've actually told them they could, so hopefully you are ok with that.  Also, and after speaking with the players, we feel that you and your coaches should wear large blue and orange foam sombreros instead of baseball caps during the game.  We have some other fun ideas that we’ve been tossing around, including replacing Mr. Met, who has the largest head of any mascot in the world, with Pedro Martinez’s buddy Nelson de la Rosa, who is the world’s smallest person – unfortunately, it turns out that Nelson is dead – oops.  Do have any friends that are 28 inches tall?
 

Getting back to your job as manager of the Mets, I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to the upcoming West Coast trip.  I was brainstorming today with Mr. Wilpon about what we could do to show our commitment to you, and we thought that with Father’s Day coming up and you not being able to be with your family on account of the Mets having a game that day, why don’t you bring your entire family, relatives and extended family on the upcoming road trip for a fun filled vacation?  I know this is short notice, but it's just the type of thing which could turn the season around for the Mets, well not really, but it would be fun nonetheless.  Please don’t worry about cost, just book first class accommodations all the way for your family and the Mets will pick up the bill when we all get back to New York together.  I’m bringing my family, and Jerry Manuel is bringing his family as well.  It’ll be a ton of fun; we’ll go to Disneyland, play some golf and perhaps even play some late night poker after the games.  In fact, let’s plan on playing Monday night in my hotel room, say midnight, ok? Great, see you then Guillermo.