Everything is a Joke - Proven
We
have a link on the home page of SandJ entitled "Everything is a Joke." For those of you who doubt the
veracity of our claim, please join me as I flip though a major newspaper and test the theory. The indiscriminately chosen
paper for today's science project is today's New York Post (Tuesday, May 27, 2008) - although in the spirit
of true disclosure, we should mention that the only papers we get at SandJ are the NY Post, the San Diego Union Tribune
and the Wall Street Journal. The Post is probably the best paper of the group for our purposes because it runs
the gamut in content- so we got lucky with the pick. For those who bemoan the tabloid aspects of the Post and clamor
for the NY Times, this probably isn't the site for you to begin with- We don't suffer fools here at SandJ and
have a particular aversion to the haughty, pseudo-intellectual boors who write, edit and read that rag.
But without further ado, let's start with the front page story: Jeez, this is going to be easy.
Willie Randolph and the Mets - sports and jokes wrapped up into one franchise. Here's the situation in
Flushing: The Mets have the second highest payroll in baseball; they play in the relatively weak NL East; and over the last
160 games, the Mets have lost about 80 games - including a historic collapse which had them watching rather
than playing during the last postseason. With few exceptions, David Wright being the most obvious, the
team doesn't play hard, doesn't seem to care, and/or they're perpetually hurt. Their most exciting player,
Jose Reyes, doesn't realize that you can't copy Manny Ramirez's attitude if your particular skill set can only
be exploited by hustling and generally giving a rat's ass - what ever that means. Manny can loaf because his
job is to mash the ball for home runs and stand up doubles. Reyes, however, is supposed to hit, run, steal and
generally wreak havoc with a frenetic and relentless effort. But when Reyes loafs, he's mediocre... and
over the past 160 games, he's been loafing a lot. Then there's Delgado. Is there anyone who can say
they're surprised by this guy's "I-don't-care-as-long-as-I-get-my-money" attitude? The guy is
a jerk. Remember, he's the same guy who with Toronto refused to stand during "God Bless America."
While many "enlightened" sports writers mistook his immature, no-risk, no-thought, political masturbation for "bravery"
(god help us), most of us recognized his behavior for what is was: dickish. Cursing is often an indication of an
inability to articulate, but every word does indeed have its place. That being said, Carlos Delgado's behavior
is dickish and he is an asshole. His attitude and demeanor is a cancer, but what do I know? I'm just a blogger
without sportswriter credentials (Hello Costas and Bissinger), but I digress. The gist of the Post's front
page story provides that Willie is on the hot-seat as the Mets manager. Here's the joke: Omar
Minaya spends a combined $60 million on Beltran, Delgado, Martinez, Hernandez and Alou (5 of the
top 7 paid players on the team), but it's Willie's job that's on the line.
Page 2:
This parent, known as Kenneth Martinez, is concerned about the violence at his children's school.  Got that? He's concerned. My guess is that Ali G will ponder the
issue of proper child care as he smokes a blunt and sips a 40 while missing work. Gimme a break.
Page 3:
Ella Sherman spent $22,000 on fake ticket to see Sex and the City (the movie).
The article
states that Sherman is a business woman - She's in business. What business could be so indiscriminately lucrative that
it can generate enough income to sustain the ideas of the dumbest people among us - such as those who would agree to spend
$22,000 for a movie ticket? I would guess that there are those who would spend $22K to see a movie, but I thought the system
worked to prevent them from ever getting $22K. The only job that I can think of that pays well, but insists on the extreme
stupidity of its members, is prostitution. So I have to just assume that she's a prostitute. The article also mentions
that she's single, so...
Page 6 (How come Page Six
is on Page 10?):
Obama says that he is the top GI supporter. Ummm, maybe Axlrod should mention to Obama that McCain actually was a GI and agreed
to spend a couple of extra years having is legs broken in a POW camp so that other GIs could go home first? As
for which candidate supports the troops the most, I think we can declare a winner (it's not Obama) and move on.
As a side note on the McCain POW story, the North Vietnamese (that's a hard word to spell) POW guards used to torture
McCain in an attempt to get a list of his superior officers. As the story goes, he wouldn't talk so they would break
his arm (again and again). Finally, when he could no longer stand it, he gave the guards five names. However,
an even more terrific beating ensued when the names he gave turned out to be not his superior officers, but the starting offensive
line of the 1968 Green Bay Packers. I'd bet one year's pay that Obama can't name any teams starting offensive
line. Now I don't know exactly what that says about Obama, but the fact that the bet is a lock says
something important.
Page 7:
Don't even bother with the link here. Here's what happened. An art gallery owner had a public showing and
served booze to the public without a permit. The cops a came, she went crazy and got arrested. Don't get us
wrong, we love booze - in fact we enjoyed about 36 bottles of cool refreshing lager this weekend alone; we also like the Hamptons
(who doesn't?); and we like art (again who doesn't when it's good?) But when you combine booze,
the Hamptons and an art gallery owner, the most likely result is a person of such extraordinary worthlessness coupled with
an equally extraordinary sense of self-importance that, facts aside, we think she should be arrested based on pure probability.
Here's a picture of Ruth at her gallery:  Dare to disagree? Then take a look at Ruth Kalb during her arrest: But
first, you have to understand many of these East Hampton's/NYC types - They love laws. Laws for how to
act, how to dress, how to paint your house, what tree can't be cut down, who can move in, who must move out, etc.... etc...,
but at the same time, these people hate cops and become incredulously apoplectic if one of these laws at some point applies
to them. Here's what Ruth looks like when the law applies to her:
 Alright, I can't really deal with this anymore and I think I've
already made my point, but I'll go on. On Page 8
there are pictures of people swimming over the weekend. That seems fine enough, but it was 68 degrees this weekend and
the water temperature is 45 - that's the same as the temperature that beer is supposed to be served at. Swimming?
WTF? Page 10 features Page Six. Page 11 has a picture, with no accompanying story, of Alec Baldwin tripping
over a fence. Page 12 has a story with picture of Bees
in the Bronx. The picture is cool, but the story adds nothing.  Page 13:
Brangelina (also known as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) bought a house/compound in France for $70 million. I knew that they were wealthy
and all, but $70 million? Wow! I have to say though, that I don't think that Brad Pitt is doing as well as
he could be- I'm not talking movies or women or knocking his family or anything too personal. I'm talking about
his life. It's just that he's seemingly always engaged in something exhausting. SandJ's brother
Pete was noticing the same thing: His Pittness is always either dragging lots of luggage across a windy, hot tarmac somewhere
without cold drinks or fresh ice in sight or he's desperately trying to corral an errant kid while barely holding
on to another. He's got 9 homes, pet projects all over creation, and a wife who once heard someone call her "Worldly"
and decided to run with it. If ever there was a guy who looked like he needs 8 hours, a couple of racks of beer,
two packs of cigarettes and a few good guys (and not Clooney, Damon, et al), it's Brad Pitt. And I get
the feeling Angelina would either disapprove of the whole enterprise, or beam with tangible self-approval for not disapproving
- until, of course, His Pittness resolved to do the same thing the following weekend. Page 22:
Andy Ahmed is only 14, but he has set a new standard for cowardice. Not
only did this loser mug an 80 year old women, knocking June George of British Columbia down and breaking her arm. He blamed
the incident on an unnamed girl. Not a girl he was trying to impress in some perverse way, but he said that she
forced him to mug the innocent octogenarian to avoid his own rendezvous with pain. So this punk mugs and hurts
an 80 year old woman to save his own self. The good news, however, is that Ahmed's dad, presumably Mr. Ahmed,
says that "one day, he will say sorry." No word on the extent to which this vague promise of future expressions
of remorse lifted Ms. George's spirits or healed her injuries. That's
enough. Point proven. Everything is a joke. The only thing we struggle with here at SandJ is whether
everything has always been a joke and we're now old enough to see it or whether the world we live in is exponentially
increasing in its absurdity. We don't know, but something keeps us inexplicably optimistic and ebullient,
so we're going to sit back and enjoy the show and report what we see. Thanks.
Oh yeah, check out these pictures of Mars: |
