The Belmont Stakes - Because (Unfortunately) There is No Alternative

Ladies and gentleman, Big Brown, brought to you by Hooters. Seriously. Hooters is sponsoring one of the best bets ever to capture horse racing's elusive Triple Crown. It's always been my assumption that whoever is running the show at Hooters must be fairly on-the-ball. After all, at some point, they made the brilliant call that, if men enjoy eating wings and drinking beer, they would like it even more it they were being served by girls with huge boobs. How can you argue with that piece of logic? But, incredible as it seems, the Hooters brain trust were able to put "Big Brown" and "Hooters" together in the same promotion without suffering any sort of gag reflex. I'm just guessing here, but I would bet that, were there another horse in the field named "Cleveland Steamer", it would be drawing pretty short odds right about now.

And so Big Brown continues his march towards inevitable history. I was completely thrilled with the developments at Preakness, not so much because I'm a huge fan of racing history, but because it allows me to pursue my "The Triple Crown Races as Three Drunk Girls at a Bar" metaphor from my Preakness preview. If you'll remember; the Derby is the untouchable hot chick that is out of your league and not even worth the effort (imagine hearing a girl you know saying "My friend Derby is in town from Kentucky this weekend. You guys should try to meet up with us. See what I mean?), and the Preakness is the least attractive, ergo "fun" girl. Trust me, sooner or later, someone is going to talk themselves into the fun one and leave us in the situation we're in now with Belmont and the Triple Crown. She doesn't possess the looks of a Derby or the personality of a Preakness, but now she has one thing going for her - she's the only game in town. She doesn't have to do a damn thing to impress you and can easily afford a "take-it-or-leave-it" mindset. She knows you have no choice.

This sums up the city of New York's attitude towards the Belmont Stakes fairly succinctly. "We know you'll be there. We don't have to make an effort." I mean look at this puff-piece about watching the Belmont from ESPN.com. Now allow me to do some translation. In case it wasn't clear, that's right, if you want to make a day out of it; you can sit outside of the track and watch the race on television while sitting on a blanket or chair that you lugged from home, quite possibly using public transportation. God help you if you feel like grilling. Oh, my bad, I forgot the biggest attraction in this setup - you get to look at the horses for a couple of seconds as they walk by on the oval. Talk about fan-friendly.

I've attended the Belmont Stakes several times, primarily when I lived in Manhattan, so my perspective is a bit skewed in the sense that it's probably less painful to endure a rage-inducing traffic jam than a packed to the ceiling Long Island Railroad trip out to the track and back, but I always had to rely on the latter. My memory is also tainted by the fact that the last Belmont Stakes that I attended was in 2002 when War Emblem was making a bid for the Triple Crown (at least until he fell down coming out of the gates). As you can probably guess by now, a Triple Crown Belmont race jars the equation entirely. The race is completely bearable in an off year. It's almost like just another day at the track except infinitely more festive (if anything can be "infinitely more" than zero, that is). You can mill around outside the track, people watch and see if you can find anyone you know in the crowd. Call me a purist, but when I go to a horse race I prefer to actually see horses running around the track, so I'll eventually wander into the grandstand. In a non-Triple Crown year, you can place your bets in a relatively leisurely fashion. The crowd is usually fairly knowledgeable and the betting line conversations can be entertaining. But this year? I guarantee that, prior to the third race; some dope will approach the betting window with thirty seconds to post screaming about betting "five bucks on the Big Brown" as everyone behind him grinds their collective teeth.

Yet another benefit of a non-Triple Crown year is the transportation situation - people arrive late, some leave early. Traveling can be frustrating but not impossible. This year, people will arrive late, but everyone will be leaving at exactly the same time, especially if Big Brown happens to lose. A line will instantly form for the train that will measure roughly two thousand deep and a hundred across, and will move exactly two steps forward for each departing train. In case you think I'm exaggerating, consider that the last time I attended the race, a group of us abandoned the train altogether and wandered around the parking lot for an hour before getting on the first NY Transit bus we came across without so much as asking about its destination. Fortunately, the bus was bound for Jamaica, Queens. I say "fortunately" only because there is a way to get back to Manhattan from there - an hour-and-a-half local subway ride.

I would really love to be able to offer the reader some tips and tricks to avoid the pain inherent in attending this year's race, but that would be dishonest. My only advice would be to steel yourself in preparation for a long day. I guess you could hire a car service to drop you off and pick you up and hope to win the money spent back at the track, but when has that ever worked? If you live even remotely within walking distance... well, then you already know what to do. My very best counsel would have to be: Stay home. Watch the race on TV or at a bar. Place your bets at the local OTB. Witnessing history is overrated.